Dear Adult Children of Emotionally Unavailable Parents

There is a pattern that seem to be prevalent for many adults who have parents over the age of 60.

Now this post is not going to be true for all adults with parents over 60 years old, of course. If you had an emotionally safe childhood, you may have a difficult time understanding how deeply profound absent or unsafe parental behaviour can be.

Emotional absence from parents forces a child’s nervous system to accept from a very young age that they are on their own. It’s an absolute tragedy and sadly, that it is the case for many GenX’ers and the Oregon Trail Generation.

We wear it like a badge of honor though!

• We drank from the hose because we weren’t allowed inside…

• We had epic adventures - jumping on our bikes and exploring places with that were miles away from our home…

• We were going to field parties before we even graced the front doors of our high school for the first time, and

• We were doing adult things that none of us had any business doing.

You've seen the memes. There was a commercial that came on at 10pm asking if parents knew where their children were. They had to be reminded! I guess I shouldn't be annoyed at the child in the backseat reminder now that I think of it.

But the reality of it was that we were parenting ourselves. We had to figure out so much on our own about survival: relationships, intimacy, money, nutrition (what do you mean a pepsi, honeybun & a Marlboro Red was not a sufficient breakfast at 14?!)... and we did it all on our own. Our only real guidance? Older GenX’ers who were in the same boat as we were but had a head start.

There is a very specific grief that we have to carry in our life - recognized or not. That grief stems from a childhood where a parent you needed never fully existed in the way that you needed them. It comes from the realization that no one is coming to rescue you… you are on your own. Usually that manifestation of grief hits in our late twenties or early thirties and we distance ourselves from our parents, or at the very least can name the anger, sadness, guilt or confusion we harbour toward them.

Now, before I go further, let me say: congratulations to us for making it this far, relatively unscathed. We have done a great job. Most of us have been through our darkest days and crawled out the other side, conquering what pulled us down. We are now parents and doing things differently (maybe) or at least recognizing that we fucked up at the beginning of our parenting path but have begun healing the toxic cycles that we inherited through our own childhood environments. For our children, for ourselves, and for generations to come I can say from the bottom of my heart - That is amazing! Way to go, us!

But what about our parents?

Our parents are now elderly; their lives have slowed down… and here they come. Bounding into our lives trying to be involved, trying to claim a bond to children they never really knew. Making an attempt to stitch themselves back into lives that learned how to function without them.

Do they love us as their children? I’m sure they do and always have, in the best way that they know how. But I do not believe that is not the driving force behind their return. The truth is that most of our parents are emotionally selfish. They are typically unable to accept responsibility and be accountable for their past actions. There is always a ‘but…” attached to an apology they give. And when you set a boundary??? The audacity! Don't we know our parents are aging?! The finality associated with illness, mortality, and regret change their relationship to unfinished emotional business. And we, their children, are very much unfinished business.

Now that they have gone and lived their life, they want to make up for all the time that they lost - regardless of their reasons for it. Many parents will argue that their actions were necessary, that they had no other choice... but I can assure you, there is ALWAYS another choice. It may not be their first choice, or as easy or as fun, but there are always other choices.

These former emotionally unavailable parents do not understand that their current feelings of regret do not erase our lived experience as a child. It's safe to say our current relationship with our parents is a direct reflection of how we felt they showed up for us as children. In fact, didn't Harry Chapin write a song about that very thing? Ahh, yes: Cat's in the Cradle.

Our parent(s) may be genuinely trying to re-establish a connection. Weekly phone calls, text messages, sending reels on Facebook, or showing up to the grandchildren’s piano recitals. As an adult, we can acknowledge and appreciate that effort. However, those parents need to understand that it is an apology, but effort after that bonding age does not change much. Especially if we have already grieved the emotional loss of the parents long ago. The current physical presence is acknowledged but the emotional connection is just not there.

The guilt that you may feel to connect and give them full access stems from social conditioning. Society tends to frame parental relationships as untouchable. That, if you are estranged from your parents or holding a boundary, there must still bitterness, anger or a lack of compassion on the child's end and they need to let it go so to reconnect with their parents. That is absolutely not the case. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that the estrangement is a natural outcome of a bond that was never deeply formed, or perhaps even actualized, in childhood.

I have long since grieved the loss of both of my parents. I have no anger towards them or how I grew up. I have no desire for 'revenge' or to see them suffer. However, I also do not have the deep bonded affection for either of them as 'my parents'. Do I love them? Yes. Just as I love friends and others in my life. However, I am emotionally neutral beyond that when it comes to them.

Both of my parents now have significant health issues and have punished their bodies past the point of being able to sustain the ‘party’ lifestyle they once cherished throughout the 80s and 90s. Now they are giving their best effort to be ‘all in’ as parents… and that is wonderful for them. But it does not create a retroactive emotional attachment on behalf of me, as the adult child, to them. I genuinely forgive them for not being able to be the parents that I needed as a child. I understand that they were working within the frameworks that they had grown up in and with the tools they had at the time. But that does not change what they were or were not, either.

• we are allowed to acknowledge that they are genuinely trying now.

• we can genuinely forgive them for not showing up the way we needed as kids.

• we do not have to hate them… we can even love them…

  ... but we can still not desire closeness at this point in our lives.

  
  

All four things can co-exist at the same time.

So... to all of the adult children of emotionally unavailable parents out there - do not let social media hold you to some unrealistic standard in the name of "healing". Your experience is yours. Do not let unwarranted guilt force you to tear down the boundaries that bring you peace.

Lots of love!

~ Ehrin xx